opportunity

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. ~Milton Berle

A Dream Revived

I thought I had finally accepted the fact that we would not adopt again. Turns out I was wrong, because the idea has once again been very heavily placed upon my heart.

There have been so, so many things pushing the idea back into my mind lately. First there was this, and then this and then someone threw out this quote......
"I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody (to no one)."-Mother Teresa of Calcutta
which is a quote that seems to keep popping up in my life in a variety of places and really hits me hard every time I hear/read it.

Last night while chatting online with my husband (he is out of town for work) the conversation came around to adoption. How we both still dream of adopting again. I mentioned how I really need to stop looking at the kids listed on Reece's Rainbow because when I do it breaks my heart because I desperately want to adopt one of these children but can't afford to do it. He clicked over to the site himself and we began chatting about how each of us had one certain child whose photo really seemed to cry out to us. After a few minutes of chatting we realized we were referring to the same child.

I would love to take all these things as a sign that this is truly where we are meant to go. I'm still so afraid that it's just wishful thinking on my part and I am just trying to make "signs" out of coincidences.

Before we finished chatting, I told my husband that we shouldn't bother to even discuss it because it's just not possible for us now. He responded by saying that we can always dream. As true as that is, I am simply weary of my fourth child being only in my dreams!

tugging at my heart

I felt on the edge of tears while reading a blog just a while ago. A mom waiting to be reunited with her daughter half way across the world. I was near tears for her. I know what she is feeling, as it is what I went through between trips when we adopted Dima. Some say you leave a huge chunk of yourself behind. That's not really it though. What you are leaving behind is your child. There is no part of myself that will ever be as important to me as my children. Leaving behind your child is far more painful than leaving behind a piece of yourself.

There was another reason I was near tears though. It's because I am truly beginning to let go of the idea that we will ever adopt again. It saddens me. Still, I think it may be time to let it go. There would have to be several major changes in our lives to make it a real option.

I am starting to realize that maybe I am being called to help the orphans in another way. I am not totally sure what that is just yet. I can certainly advocate for them. That is a given. Something I will undoubtedly do. I feel there is more though. Much more. Why else would I feel this huge tugging at my heart?

Hopefully the answer will come to me soon. I feel as though my heart is all tied in knots. I have thought it was an empty place waiting to be filled with love for another child of my own. Now I am not sure that's what it is.

losing faith

I've been feeling lately as though another adoption will never happen for us. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of me is really sad because I want to adopt again. I want Dima to have a sibling close to his own age. I want to be Mommy to a little one in need. I guess I'm just not sure that having four kids is right for us. Or maybe it's just that I am starting to think that no one else thinks it is right for us.

I don't feel like we would have support from extended family this time around. I know we wouldn't have the support from the community that we had before. That fizzled and died on us even before Dima was home. In fact it was as though most of them turned on us and vilified us. That's another story I guess. There were people who began to say our fundraising was a scam and that we weren't really adopting. They felt it was taking too long and seemed to be costing too much. Just shows how little they know about international adoption! Not sure what those people had to say for themselves when Dima did in fact come home.

My family has seen the financial and emotional strain we went through to bring Dima home. I believe they don't want us to go through that again. They've also seen the anxiety that sometimes comes with raising a child with special needs. That don't seem to get why we would want to adopt another child with special needs. I often think they don't know how we deal with the one we have. Just because they couldn't do it themselves I guess.

I know that I still want one more child. I think I've just lost faith that it will ever happen.

pass it along

From another Group. Please pass this along!!!

There is a horror slasher film being released July 24 (Orphan) about a family who adopts an older girl who “is not what she appears to be. Warnings about her go unheeded until it is too late…for everyone”. The film is being promoted now (http://orphan-movie.warnerbros.com) and the adoption message being sent is extremely negative. There is actually a line in the trailer that says “it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own”.

Without having seen the movie or read the script, it is hard to know if the entire movie is sending a ghastly adoption message, but the trailer certainly leads us to believe it is. This feeds the notion that older adoptees are very troubled and you should beware.... that's not an image any of us want the general public to have of our kids. It plays into people's deepest fears.

There is a growing group pursuing a boycott of the film, sending out emails and posting on online bulletin boards. I urge you to forward this email to others personally involved in adoption, help disseminate the boycott message and write to the producers and distributors expressing your displeasure with the message being sent.

The backers of this movie have deep pockets. It is being released by Dark Castle Entertainment with Warner Bros. set to distribute. Leonardo DiCaprio’s Appian Way, which developed the material, is also producing.

An Odd Dream

I had a bizarre dream last night. I dreamed that I was at my computer and Fred came in and told me to stop looking at adoption stuff. He said not to even look at blogs or get on the adoption groups. Then he went on to say that I needed to stay away from anything adoption related, even the families I stay in contact with who have already adopted. I stared at him in disbelief and stuttered, "but i wasn't even looking at adoption stuff". He shook his head and said, "no more adoption stuff for two years. In two years you can start thinking about adopting again".

It was such a weird dream. First of all, Fred would never talk to me that way (being bossy like that) and he also would never tell me not to look at adoption stuff. I wonder if it was my mind trying to tell me to back off the adoption stuff. Or maybe it was my heart trying to protect itself from more heartbreak. I don't know. This is the first time I have ever dreamed about something that would point to us not adopting.

Tough Decisions... and moving on

I made a very tough decision. I didn't end up taking the job I was going to start in March. Just days before I was to start I told them I could not take it. The thought of not being home with Dima was killing me inside. I simply could not bear the idea of leaving him in someone else's care. I knew in my heart that being with him was worth any sacrifices we had to make.

The sacrifices have been made. Our budget is certainly tighter now. Entertainment is pretty much written out of the budget all together. It's ok though, because we find ways to enjoy ourselves at home. More time spent playing in the backyard, watching dvd's that have been sitting in the cabinet for months or even years since they were last watched, playing board games, and simply talking to each other. It's really kind of nice in it's way.

The big sacrifice is, of course, that another adoption is out of the question. If I had taken the job then we would have been able to proceed in a couple of months time. Without it there is really no way we could finance an adoption. I know many people put their faith in God and leap. Trusting that He will provide a way. We did that ourselves the first time around, when we adopted Dima. Right now I find it impossible to believe. Not that I don't have faith in the Lord... I simply do not have faith in ourselves right now. I feel that even God is telling us that now is not the time. I pray that will change someday and that we will be able to add another child to our family.

I am at peace about Angie now. As much as I wanted her to be our daughter, I know now that she was not meant to be. I am very, very happy to know that another family is pursuing her adoption now. I am praying for them and for Angie that everything goes smoothly and quickly. (i only wish they had a blog so i could follow along on the journey as SEE her become part of a family)

Our original intention was to adopt a boy. They are less likely to be adopted than girls, which is sad but a very real fact. Also, I think Dima would do well with a brother near his own age. He adores Reid and copies everything he does. There is a nine year age difference between them though, so there are times when Reid wants to be left alone to do something Dima is not old enough to do.

I do not know what the future holds right now. Another adoption may always be only in my dreams. If that is true, then at least I know I am doing all I can to be here for Dima.