If Only In My Dreams

in case you're reading

2009-12-24T16:18:00.001-08:00

If anyone is actually reading this......

I want to direct you over to my real blog. I have kept this one (although i haven't kept it very well) in addition to a blog where I actually post about our life as it is now. This blog was for my dream of adoption. I really don't have the ability to keep up with both anymore. Honestly the dream of adoption is painful right now since it remains an impossibility at the moment and I don't feel like blogging about it much.

so, if you actually read this and would like to follow my real blog then you can find it here

i will be closing this blog down soon.

Sweet Pea

2009-12-08T22:23:00.000-08:00

Is it just me? or do these two children look like siblings?

The little Sweet Pea on the left is listed on Reeces Rainbow. The the little stinker on the right is my sweet Dima.

Now, is it any wonder that my heart is aching to make Sweet Pea a part of our family???

opportunity

2009-10-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. ~Milton Berle

A Dream Revived

2009-10-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

I thought I had finally accepted the fact that we would not adopt again. Turns out I was wrong, because the idea has once again been very heavily placed upon my heart.

There have been so, so many things pushing the idea back into my mind lately. First there was this, and then this and then someone threw out this quote......
"I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody (to no one)."-Mother Teresa of Calcutta
which is a quote that seems to keep popping up in my life in a variety of places and really hits me hard every time I hear/read it.

Last night while chatting online with my husband (he is out of town for work) the conversation came around to adoption. How we both still dream of adopting again. I mentioned how I really need to stop looking at the kids listed on Reece's Rainbow because when I do it breaks my heart because I desperately want to adopt one of these children but can't afford to do it. He clicked over to the site himself and we began chatting about how each of us had one certain child whose photo really seemed to cry out to us. After a few minutes of chatting we realized we were referring to the same child.

I would love to take all these things as a sign that this is truly where we are meant to go. I'm still so afraid that it's just wishful thinking on my part and I am just trying to make "signs" out of coincidences.

Before we finished chatting, I told my husband that we shouldn't bother to even discuss it because it's just not possible for us now. He responded by saying that we can always dream. As true as that is, I am simply weary of my fourth child being only in my dreams!

tugging at my heart

2009-07-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

I felt on the edge of tears while reading a blog just a while ago. A mom waiting to be reunited with her daughter half way across the world. I was near tears for her. I know what she is feeling, as it is what I went through between trips when we adopted Dima. Some say you leave a huge chunk of yourself behind. That's not really it though. What you are leaving behind is your child. There is no part of myself that will ever be as important to me as my children. Leaving behind your child is far more painful than leaving behind a piece of yourself.

There was another reason I was near tears though. It's because I am truly beginning to let go of the idea that we will ever adopt again. It saddens me. Still, I think it may be time to let it go. There would have to be several major changes in our lives to make it a real option.

I am starting to realize that maybe I am being called to help the orphans in another way. I am not totally sure what that is just yet. I can certainly advocate for them. That is a given. Something I will undoubtedly do. I feel there is more though. Much more. Why else would I feel this huge tugging at my heart?

Hopefully the answer will come to me soon. I feel as though my heart is all tied in knots. I have thought it was an empty place waiting to be filled with love for another child of my own. Now I am not sure that's what it is.

losing faith

2009-06-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling lately as though another adoption will never happen for us. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Part of me is really sad because I want to adopt again. I want Dima to have a sibling close to his own age. I want to be Mommy to a little one in need. I guess I'm just not sure that having four kids is right for us. Or maybe it's just that I am starting to think that no one else thinks it is right for us.

I don't feel like we would have support from extended family this time around. I know we wouldn't have the support from the community that we had before. That fizzled and died on us even before Dima was home. In fact it was as though most of them turned on us and vilified us. That's another story I guess. There were people who began to say our fundraising was a scam and that we weren't really adopting. They felt it was taking too long and seemed to be costing too much. Just shows how little they know about international adoption! Not sure what those people had to say for themselves when Dima did in fact come home.

My family has seen the financial and emotional strain we went through to bring Dima home. I believe they don't want us to go through that again. They've also seen the anxiety that sometimes comes with raising a child with special needs. That don't seem to get why we would want to adopt another child with special needs. I often think they don't know how we deal with the one we have. Just because they couldn't do it themselves I guess.

I know that I still want one more child. I think I've just lost faith that it will ever happen.

pass it along

2009-05-26T19:13:00.001-07:00

From another Group. Please pass this along!!!

There is a horror slasher film being released July 24 (Orphan) about a family who adopts an older girl who “is not what she appears to be. Warnings about her go unheeded until it is too late…for everyone”. The film is being promoted now (http://orphan-movie.warnerbros.com) and the adoption message being sent is extremely negative. There is actually a line in the trailer that says “it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own”.

Without having seen the movie or read the script, it is hard to know if the entire movie is sending a ghastly adoption message, but the trailer certainly leads us to believe it is. This feeds the notion that older adoptees are very troubled and you should beware.... that's not an image any of us want the general public to have of our kids. It plays into people's deepest fears.

There is a growing group pursuing a boycott of the film, sending out emails and posting on online bulletin boards. I urge you to forward this email to others personally involved in adoption, help disseminate the boycott message and write to the producers and distributors expressing your displeasure with the message being sent.

The backers of this movie have deep pockets. It is being released by Dark Castle Entertainment with Warner Bros. set to distribute. Leonardo DiCaprio’s Appian Way, which developed the material, is also producing.

An Odd Dream

2009-05-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

I had a bizarre dream last night. I dreamed that I was at my computer and Fred came in and told me to stop looking at adoption stuff. He said not to even look at blogs or get on the adoption groups. Then he went on to say that I needed to stay away from anything adoption related, even the families I stay in contact with who have already adopted. I stared at him in disbelief and stuttered, "but i wasn't even looking at adoption stuff". He shook his head and said, "no more adoption stuff for two years. In two years you can start thinking about adopting again".

It was such a weird dream. First of all, Fred would never talk to me that way (being bossy like that) and he also would never tell me not to look at adoption stuff. I wonder if it was my mind trying to tell me to back off the adoption stuff. Or maybe it was my heart trying to protect itself from more heartbreak. I don't know. This is the first time I have ever dreamed about something that would point to us not adopting.

Tough Decisions... and moving on

2009-05-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

I made a very tough decision. I didn't end up taking the job I was going to start in March. Just days before I was to start I told them I could not take it. The thought of not being home with Dima was killing me inside. I simply could not bear the idea of leaving him in someone else's care. I knew in my heart that being with him was worth any sacrifices we had to make.

The sacrifices have been made. Our budget is certainly tighter now. Entertainment is pretty much written out of the budget all together. It's ok though, because we find ways to enjoy ourselves at home. More time spent playing in the backyard, watching dvd's that have been sitting in the cabinet for months or even years since they were last watched, playing board games, and simply talking to each other. It's really kind of nice in it's way.

The big sacrifice is, of course, that another adoption is out of the question. If I had taken the job then we would have been able to proceed in a couple of months time. Without it there is really no way we could finance an adoption. I know many people put their faith in God and leap. Trusting that He will provide a way. We did that ourselves the first time around, when we adopted Dima. Right now I find it impossible to believe. Not that I don't have faith in the Lord... I simply do not have faith in ourselves right now. I feel that even God is telling us that now is not the time. I pray that will change someday and that we will be able to add another child to our family.

I am at peace about Angie now. As much as I wanted her to be our daughter, I know now that she was not meant to be. I am very, very happy to know that another family is pursuing her adoption now. I am praying for them and for Angie that everything goes smoothly and quickly. (i only wish they had a blog so i could follow along on the journey as SEE her become part of a family)

Our original intention was to adopt a boy. They are less likely to be adopted than girls, which is sad but a very real fact. Also, I think Dima would do well with a brother near his own age. He adores Reid and copies everything he does. There is a nine year age difference between them though, so there are times when Reid wants to be left alone to do something Dima is not old enough to do.

I do not know what the future holds right now. Another adoption may always be only in my dreams. If that is true, then at least I know I am doing all I can to be here for Dima.

pain

2009-03-31T09:41:00.001-07:00

I am so full of raw, hard emotions today. I have felt on the verge of crying all morning and now the tears are starting to spill over.

I am sad over losing Angie. ~~It breaks my heart~~ My heart is broken. I know we did what we needed to. It doesn't stop the pain.

There is more to my sadness today though. I am preparing to start a new job. Financially, I know it is what is best for our family. Still I grieve over no longer being able to stay at home with Dima though. With his special needs, I really feel like he needs me at home and I have such guilt over not being there for him. I hate the idea of leaving him in someone else's care. I know he will be fine but I also know that it is not the same as having his mommy with him.

Suddenly I am being forced to be a working mom and it is not the kind of mom I want to be. It is not what I feel is right for my child.

Care Walk for Autism

2009-03-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

Please support me as I participate in The Autism CARE Walk at Heartspring on April 4, 2009.

How can you help? Just visit My CARE Walk page at http://tinyurl.com/c3aape and click the 'Sponsor Me' tab to make a donation on my behalf. You can also sign up for the 1.5 Mile walk, sign up as a virtual walker, or just make a general donation towards raising autism awareness.

Funds generated from this event will help benefit local children who are on the autism spectrum through workshops and programs offered by the Community of Autism Resources and Education (CARE) program at Heartspring.

Thank you!

**For those who do not know... Dima is very likely facing a diagnosis on the Autism spectrum. They are waiting until preschool is completed (in May) to re-evaluate him. From what we have been told though, the diagnosis is extremely likely.

Moments

2009-03-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

My heart aches with the loss of Angie. Still I must go on and live for what is and not what could have been.

I live for moments like yesterday when Dima was being silly and kept running through the living room showing everyone his tail. The boy is convinced he is some type of animal and does not have a butt, a tooshy, or a bottom... no, he has a tail. He would run from one to another of us, turn around, point at his bottom and say "my tail", then run away laughing to the next person.

I live for moments like Friday night when Fred took Nikki out at midnight to buy the Twilight dvd, just because he wanted to do something special for her. Then she and I sat up until 2:30 in the morning watching the movie, each of us pointing out when something was either different or just like we had pictured it while reading the book. One of us pointing out that they had left out something or added something different from the book.

I live for moments like Thursday when Reid and I made a cake together. He is often my helper in the kitchen. We had decided to try and make a cake totally from scratch, frosting and all. We set out to make fondant icing, but we tried to use a quick and easy recipe that did not work at all. (you really can not leave out the glucose) What should have been a rollable, shapable frosting turned out to be a sticky paste. Our from scratch cake turned out wonderful, but our frosting was goop. After attempting to frost out lovely cake we decided our goop was just going to tear it up. After minutes of discussion on what we could do, together we decided to simply add a bit of milk to thin it out. We were then able to frost our cake. We enjoyed a couple of delicious pieces and then spent the rest of the day walking past our cake watching the frosting sliding down the cake and pooling up on the serving dish. As big of a mess as it was, we still managed to eat the whole thing in two days. Ugly or not, it was still tasty.

So while I do have moments of thinking of all the things I would have done with Angie, I am trying hard to focus on the moments I do have with Dima, Nikki and Reid.

Letting Go

2009-03-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

We released Angie today. We are very heartbroken.

We have taken a really hard financial setback, and simply do not see a way that we could move forward with the adoption anytime soon. That meant Angie would have had to wait and wait and wait on us. It didn't feel right to do that to her. So we let her go. I pray another family will choose her and they can get her home faster than we could have.

Do you love a photo? or a child?

2009-03-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

There are many, many people out there who simply do not believe it is possible for someone to fall in love with a child simply through a referral photo. I have read posts and comments that go so far as to call people idiots and fools for "believing" they love their referred child. The argument of these naysayers is that you do not know the real child, that these families are building up their own perceptions of the child. It is the dream of a child, not the child itself, that these families are in love with.

I have to disagree with this point of view.

I have had children by birth and adoption. The love and anticipation of my adopted son was no less than for my birth children. Neither is the love and anticipation I have for Angie.

I may have felt Nikki and Reid growing and moving within me, but did I really know them any better than I knew Dima? Certainly not. The same perceptions and dreams that the naysayers accuse families of attaching to a referred child are the same perceptions and dreams we attach to a child growing within our own body. Just because I physically carried my first two children inside me for nine months does not mean I had any better idea who they were than my child who was born half a world away.

I dreamt of the things I would do with and for all three of my children. Just as I dream of those things now for Angie. I wished for them to be happy and to grow to be good people. I imagined them playing sports, or dancing or simply snuggling in my lap. The same dreams for ALL my children. Waiting and dreaming and loving. Yes, loving my children, all of my children, as I waited to hold them in my arms.

The naysayers will never understand the love we feel for our children as we wait for them. That is ok though. They don't need to understand it. The only opinions, thoughts and feelings that matter are ours. We loved Dima long before we held him in our arms, just as I loved Nikki and Reid long before I held them. I love Angie too.

I have never held her. I've never heard her voice. I have never experienced the joy of playing with her. But I love her all the same. Is it a dream of a child that I love? Is it a perception of what I think this child will be like that I love? If it is.... how is that any different than the love I had for Nikki and Reid when I was pregnant with them?

The odd truth is, I know more about Angie than I did any of my other children before they entered my world. I knew nothing of my birth children other than their DNA. I had no idea what they would look like, what their personalities would be, or even if they were a boy or a girl. With Angie I not only know what she looks like, but I have had the privilege to hear from others who have met her a bit about her personality. I know that tries her hardest to keep up with the other children and that it makes her sad when she can't. I know that she loves to wear pretty clothes. I know that it makes her proud when she receives compliments. I know that she is a sweet and caring little girl.

Is it just a dream that I love? No. It is a beautiful, sweet, headstrong little girl whom I long to make a part of our family. That is who I love.

Why Fundraise for Adoption?

2009-03-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

I realize that there are a lot (too many) people out there who are against fundraising to pay for an adoption. They feel that if a family is not able to cover the cost of adoption themselves, then they should not be adopting.

Many families may be fully capable of providing for a child. They simply do not have thousands of dollars sitting in the bank to cover the expenses of adoption. Does the fact that these families do not have $25,000 readily available, really mean they should not adopt? I certainly do not think so.

How many children would die never knowing the love of a parent, of family, if everyone believed fundraising for adoption was wrong? Especially, the children with special needs. The children most people will not even consider. For those of us who feel called to adopt a special needs child, we do not see the money as an issue. The issue is these children who need us.

My husband and I took a leap of faith when we set out to adopt our son. We started with practically nothing. In a year's time we managed to get all the funds needed. Some of that money came from working hours and hours of overtime. Some came from cutting back at home, doing things like canceling cable, and playing games at home rather than going out for entertainment. Some of the money came from garage sales or selling on ebay. Some of it did indeed come from fundraising efforts. In the end, we did get a loan to pay the final expenses. Dima's adoption cost us nearly $40,000 total with travel and in country expenses, paperwork expenses, passports, shipping costs for all the paperwork, visas, medical exams... everything. Despite our best efforts at raising the money, we fell short when it came time to go and a loan became necessary. It is a loan we will be paying off for a few years. Another loan is not an option for us.

So, why then did we decide to jump into another adoption? We didn't. Believe me when I say we did not jump into this. We have been talking about adopting again for about a year. We had decided to wait and save as much money as possible before adopting again. We were going to be much more practical this time. Then, we saw Angie!

There are times in life where you just know you are supposed to do something. Finding Angie was one of those times.

We had decided we would adopt another boy whenever we did adopt again. A girl was not in our plans. We had planned to wait at least one more year. Adopting in 2009 was not in our plans. We had decided to adopt from India. Adopting from Eastern Europe was not in our plans. Then we saw Angie!

Our plans were not the plans that were meant to be. His plans were. I believe we were led to Reece's Rainbow for a reason. I believe that seeing Angie's sweet face, with that huge smile happened for a reason. The facilitator in Eastern Europe told me once that Angie "has a smile that could change the world". She is right, because it certainly changed our world. Suddenly we were going against all of our plans, and stepping out in faith that this beautiful little girl is the child meant to complete our family.

So, why fund raise for this adoption? Because there is a beautiful, and special little girl half a world away who needs us.

Meet The Family

2009-02-26T14:02:00.001-08:00

I am using real names for our children on our private blog, but have decided to use pseudonyms here on the open blog. So if you were reading the other blog before it went private, I hope you will get used to these "new" names.

If you are new to following our journey here is a quick rundown on our family...

Maybe Mama: since this is my user name, I am just going to go with it as my name on this blog. I don't really refer to myself in 3rd person anyway, so it's not like it matters much.

Fred: my husband. I think it's funny to call him Fred, so that's what I am doing. It was actually one of his grandfather's names. He was named after his other grandfather. So if he is Fred here, then it's like he's named after them both now.

Nikki: my 14yo daughter. she is my bio daughter from a previous marriage. she loves to sing and perform and she hopes to someday be on Broadway.

Reid: my 12yo son. he is my bio son from that same previous marriage. (i only have 1 of those) He is my boy genius. Seriously... sometimes he is so smart it is scary! He loves video games and ice hockey.

Dima: our 3yo son. Fred and I adopted Dima from Kazakhstan in 2007. He is our little comedian and keeps us laughing all day long. Dima has sensory processing disorder, a severe speech delay and motor delays. I enjoy spending extra time with him as we work together to help him overcome it all.

Angie: our (hopefully) soon to be daughter. She is a 4yo girl living in an orphanage in Eastern Europe. She has many of the same delays as Dima. We are looking forward to her becoming a part of our family.

If Only In My Dreams

2009-02-23T09:25:00.000-08:00

Why have I decided to name this journal If Only In My Dreams?

For about a year now, my husband and I have been dreaming of adopting (again). We have a 3yo son adopted from Kazakhstan. Last year, after reaching the one year anniversary of our trip to adopt our son we began to think again about adoption. We knew that it was something we both really wanted to do. Although we had the desire, we simply did not know if we would truly be able to adopt again. As strong as the desire was, there was just no way to be certain if it were possible.

Throughout the last year I have dreamed of adding one more child to our family through the miracle of adoption. I wanted so much to be able to make this dream come true. I truly felt I had another child out there in the world. I simply did not know if this child was really out there, or if they were only in my dreams.

Open Journal

2009-02-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

This is the open journal of our journey to our daughter.

We are in the process of adopting a beautiful little girl from Eastern Europe. Officials in her birth country do not want identifying details to be given in blogs. For this reason we will not name the country we are adopting from, nor identifying info about our future daughter here. We will be giving updates on the process as we move closer and closer to the day that we will be able to bring our little girl home.

For the sake of this journal we will refer to our girl as Angie. It is not her real name, but it is a name many people are already familiar with in connection to her.

As far as the process goes, we are still working on our home study. Once it is completed we will be able to apply with United States Citizen and Immigration Services (USCIS) to get approval to bring Angie into the country. We will also be compiling our adoption dossier, which is all the paperwork necessary to adopt. Once the dossier is completed we will send it to Angie's birth country to be translated and then we wait for approval and a travel date. (this is a very condensed version of all we have to do, but it gives those unfamiliar with the process a glimpse of the steps we will go through)