tugging at my heart

I felt on the edge of tears while reading a blog just a while ago. A mom waiting to be reunited with her daughter half way across the world. I was near tears for her. I know what she is feeling, as it is what I went through between trips when we adopted Dima. Some say you leave a huge chunk of yourself behind. That's not really it though. What you are leaving behind is your child. There is no part of myself that will ever be as important to me as my children. Leaving behind your child is far more painful than leaving behind a piece of yourself.

There was another reason I was near tears though. It's because I am truly beginning to let go of the idea that we will ever adopt again. It saddens me. Still, I think it may be time to let it go. There would have to be several major changes in our lives to make it a real option.

I am starting to realize that maybe I am being called to help the orphans in another way. I am not totally sure what that is just yet. I can certainly advocate for them. That is a given. Something I will undoubtedly do. I feel there is more though. Much more. Why else would I feel this huge tugging at my heart?

Hopefully the answer will come to me soon. I feel as though my heart is all tied in knots. I have thought it was an empty place waiting to be filled with love for another child of my own. Now I am not sure that's what it is.